Walk Away
by Justkillingtimewhileiwait
Summary: Epilogue to CPD 4x11 written from Erin's perspective and then Jay's. (I do not own Chicago PD or any of its characters.)


Epilogue to CPD 4x11 written from Erin's perspective and then Jay's.

ERIN

Erin closed the door softly behind her and peaked down the hall. As she suspected Jay was stretched out on the couch, feet on coffee table, watching tv.

Waiting for her.

Yet another thing to feel bad about tonight.

She toed off her shoes and shrugged out of her jacket. Releasing a slow breath she sulked down the hall towards him, head swimming with too many thoughts and feelings still.

She'd contemplated staying longer with Annie, consuming enough amber liquid to numb everything she didn't want to feel but she knew the self loathing she'd feel in the morning would be worse than the disgust in being born of a woman who's sole purpose in having children seemed to be using them to scam her way into a man's wallet, and worse than the grief of loosing a father she never had to begin with.

Who was she kidding.

She knew Jimmy wasn't her father. Knew all along there was a catch. But she let herself get sucked in anyway, again.

Like always.

Bunny crooked her finger and dangled images of a loving family in front of Erin and she just couldn't resist the temptation of a good fairy tale. She knew who Bunny was, that she was incapable of any kind of maternal instinct or love but she suckered Erin in every time. The pathetic little girl just wanting to know what it felt like to be loved by a parent, wanted not for what she could offer but for who she was. Bile rose in Erin's throat. God she was a pathetic, delusional mess. What kind of person let someone chew them up and spit them out then went back for more knowing damn well it was going to happen again?

And worse. Jimmy thought she'd been in on it. Thought she was no better that the scamming whore that bore her life.

Anne's words repeated in her head. It wasn't such a bad idea cutting all this out of her life, starting over somewhere new, reinventing herself, forgetting her past and becoming whomever she wanted to be. The idea of being free from Bunny sounded like winning the lottery right now.

Somewhere amongst these thoughts she was aware of Jay muting the tv and sitting up in anticipation of her but she couldn't bring herself to make eye contact with him just yet.

"Hey," he greeted her, she could hear the hesitation in his voice.

"Hey," she barely whispered back as she perched on the edge of the couch facing him. She closed her eyes trying to find the words to tell him everything she needed o say.

"Erin, I..."

"I'm sorry," she cut him off. She took another breath and risked looking up at him, risked showing him what she was feeling. "I'm sorry I took it out on you. It's not your fault Jimmy's not my father. It's not your fault my mother is a manipulative bitch who I can't seem to shake free from. It's not your fault I buried my head in the sand hoping that this time there would be some kind of fairy tale ending. I shouldn't have said the things I did and I'm sorry."

Her voice hitched on the last words as the full weight of how she'd treated him settled on her. She'd hurt him. Again. Life had gone a few rounds with her again and instead of letting him bandage her wounds she'd come out swinging.

He didn't say anything, just held her gaze. She wasn't sure what he needed to see but she knew if she had any hope of making this right she couldn't hide from him, so she waited while he searched her face. After a moment his eyes softened and he reached out for her, pulling her into a hug.

"I love you," he whispered into her hair.

She let herself take comfort in his warmth for a moment. He was such a good man. Over and over he'd put up with her shit, and he was still here. Still had his arms out asking her to let him love and help her.

But could she ask this of him? Was it fair to repeatedly subject him to the shit show that was her past? How much more before he started resenting her for dumping all this shit on him? Had he really considered what a lifetime with her was going to entail? Could he duck and weave for that many rounds?

And if he finally gave up and walked away? If she finally drained all the love and kindness from him and he was left bitter and tired of her crap? What then? Could she survive that? Could she live with herself knowing she's ruined the best thing that ever happened to her? Could she live with hurting him like that?

Erin fought the tears that threatened. She needed to know if he had though about any of this.

"Do you really want to do this? Do you really want a lifetime of dealing with my shit?" She asked into his neck, her heart breaking just saying the words.

She felt him stiffen then pull back to look at her. His eyes bore into her. Again she fought the urge to shut down and protect herself. If she wanted an honest answer she had to be honest herself.

His gaze was too much and she lost the battle with tears, one lone one escaping her eye and falling hot and heavy down her cheek. Jay's hand came up to brush the tear away. Erin tried to duck her head, embarrassed by the tears, but he wouldn't let her.

"Erin I love you. I promised you I'd always have your back remember? I meant it. I can't imagine a lifetime without you. Even if it means dealing with your crazy mother." He smiled sympathetically.

Erin dropped her head, the sweet sincerity of his words causing more tears to fall.

"I saw Annie tonight. She thinks the best thing for me would be to leave Chicago. Get away from Bunny and the past for good." Erin confessed. She took Jay's hand and laced her fingers through his. "But I've tried running before and well, we both know how well that turned out for me." She laughed self consciously. "And I can't, I can't walk away from this," she said, raising their joined hands. "I can't walk away from us." Erin smiled sadly up at him. "So if you really think you can do this," her voice broke, tears betraying her again. She hated herself for crying.

"Erin," Jay whispered, again pulling her close. "I'm not going anywhere."

The emotions of the day gained the upper hand at his words for and a few quiet sobs escaped her body before she wrestled her composure back. She pulled herself back up, swiping the tears from her cheeks. She would not give into this. This would not destroy her. At least she tried desperately to convince herself of that.

"There is something I could use your help with," Erin confessed, embarrassed by her inability to handle things on her own.

"Of course," Jay affirmed.

"I need to cut her out of my life. Once and for all. I just.." Erin trailed off. She just didn't know how or if she was strong enough to do it. Could she rid herself of Bunny? Could she walk away from the what ifs and maybe this times? It was one addiction she didn't know if she was strong enough to beat.

"Hey, he said, tipping her chin up with one hand and threading the fingers of his other hand back through hers, "we got this."

JAY

When her key clicked in the door a sense of relief washed over him. Then the anger returned. Was this how it was going to be every time Bunny felt the urge to fuck around inside Erin's head? Was he up for a lifetime of worrying about where she was and if she was self medicating her wounds every time her past came up to take a swing at her?

But he knew the answers before he finished asking the questions. He would be there. Because he loved her. Because he's promised himself long ago he'd be the one person to stick by her no matter what. Because the incredible woman she was underneath all the pain and doubt and self loathing was worth fighting for. Because eventually she would stop running away from him and start running towards him when the scars got ripped open.

He was sure if he said that last part enough times he could make it come true.

He'd been sitting here all evening replaying their fight in his head. He'd apologized earlier, not because he was sorry for running the DNA, he wasn't. He'd do it again in a heartbeat. No, he'd apologized because he was sorry he'd been the one to burst her bubble, sorry he'd lost his patience when he knew she was only lashing out because she was hurting, sorry he couldn't protect her from this, from Bunny.

And honestly that's all he wanted to do.

Protect her from her fucked up mother and a past that was so heavy it threatened to crush her now and then. He knew what it felt like to carry a heavy load and he just wanted to make hers lighter. She deserved that. Although tonight, as he watched her make her way towards him, her slumped posture and focus on the floor had him suspecting she didn't believe that she deserved much of anything.

Jay muted the tv and sat forward. Anger filled him. God how he'd like to ship Bunny off to some deserted island. Keep cool he told himself letting out a slow breath. She's hurting. But disappointment filled him when she'd sat on the couch without looking up at him, barely managing to return his greeting. It seemed he was going to have to get the ball rolling.

Again.

"Erin, I..."

"I'm sorry," she cut him off. He watched as she pulled her spine up straighter and lifted her head to look at him, at last. "I'm sorry I took it out on you. It's not your fault Jimmy's not my father. It's not your fault my mother is a manipulative bitch who I can't seem to shake free from. I shouldn't have said the things I did and I'm sorry."

Jay searched her face. He chided himself for looking for signs that she was drunk or high. But after the way she'd gone mia all day, he didn't know who would be walking though the front door tonight. The sincerity and regret he'd heard in her voice were there on her face in a rare display of openness. More importantly, she was sober.

He silently celebrated the small victory for her since it was clear she didn't feel like she'd won anything. But going a round with Bunny and coming out of it on her feet was a major win for Erin. He reached forward and pulled her close. God what he wouldn't give to take the sting out of this for her.

"I love you," he breathed into her hair because he didn't know how else to tell her he accepted her apology, he understood her pain, he'd be there for whatever she needed to get past this and he was ready to put this behind them.

She relaxed against him for a moment without answering. The fact that she didn't return his sentiment was not lost on Jay.

"Do you really want to do this? Do you really want a lifetime of dealing with my shit." She asked shakily into his shoulder.

Jay felt the heat of anger rise in his cheeks. She was pushing him away? Again? After all they'd been though? After everything he'd done to prove he'd be there for her? He pulled back to look in her eyes so he could confront her, if she was going to do this he was going to make her stare him in the face. He wasn't going to let her off that easily.

What he saw in her eyes broke his heart. His anger vanished. Her eyes were filled with fear and saddens, a tear streamed down her face. She was scared of loosing him. Really? Did she doubt him still? Did she really think he'd scare off that easily? Of course she did. When had anyone ever proved her otherwise? Even Voight's love came with a price tag.

He cupped her cheek with his hand and brushed at the wet path the tear had left behind with his thumb. How did he make this better? How did he make her believe in them, but more importantly, herself?

"Erin I love you. I promised you I'd always have your back remember? I meant it. I can't imagine a lifetime without you. Even if it means dealing with your crazy mother."

He caught the tears leaving her eyes as she ducked her head. He was filled with an overwhelming urge to push Bunny off a cliff.

"I saw Annie tonight. She thinks the best thing for me would be to leave Chicago. Get away from Bunny and the past for good."

Nausea overwhelmed Jay. She was going to run. Despite his words, his continued effort to show her he loved her, she was going to bolt because things got tough. He felt his body shutting down, lungs constricting, heart slowing, to insulate him from the pain Erin was about to inflict by ripping his heart out.

Erin laced her fingers through Jay's. The feel of her skin against his almost painful in anticipation of her next words.

"But I've tried running before and well, we both know how well that turned out for me. And I can't, I can't walk away from this," she said raising their joined hands. Jay felt his lungs expand slightly. What was she saying? Did he hear her right? Was she going to face this head on this time? Was he finally a real priority even when she tripped into a pot hole?

"I can't walk away from us." Erin smiled sadly up at him. "So if you really think you can do this," her voice broke, tears falling again. The tears got him. Nothing gutted him like seeing her cry.

"Erin," Jay whispered, again pulling her close on instinct. "I'm not going anywhere."

He reassured her.

Her body shook gently against his and he stroked his hand up her back. He was exhausted, having run an emotional marathon today, but if she truly meant what she just said he'd do it again for as many days as it took to get her past this.

He waited quietly while she composed herself, knowing drawing attention to her display of emotion would only embarrass her.

"There is something I could use your help with," Erin hedged once she'd calmed.

"Of course," did she really think there was anything he wouldn't do for her?

"I need to cut her out of my life. Once and for all. I just.." Erin trailed off.

Jay fought the urge to jump up and whoop like he'd just one the lottery. He was sure helping Erin rid herself of Bunny was going to be the most satisfying thing he'd ever done. He tamped down his relief and smiled at Erin sombrely.

"Hey," he said, tipping her chin up with one hand and threading the fingers of his other hand back through hers, "we got this."


End file.
